This section gives an overview of the healing process using IFS therapy.
The journey of healing usually starts when we notice that we are acting or reacting in a way that seems out of synch with what’s actually happening, and it’s causing problems in our life.
The first step is to invite the troublesome part to come forward into our awareness. This part may show up as an image, a memory, a body sensation, an emotion or words in our head.
Once our target part has started to appear, we then need to check how we feel towards it. Given that this part has been causing us a lot of trouble, we often have feelings of anger or rejection towards it. However, just like a real person, this part will not feel inclined to tell us more about itself until we clear the rejection.
So our next step is to ask the rejecting parts to step back, or find out what they might need to feel OK about doing so.
Once the rejectors have stepped back, we check again how we feel towards the original troublesome part. If we still feel rejecting in some way, we simply repeat the process to clear whatever other rejecting or blocking parts are present. Once we have cleared all rejecting parts, what is left will be Self. At that point, we are “in Self”. We feel interested, open and curious towards the target part.
Once in Self, we invite the target part to tell us more about itself. As we ask questions and it gives us more information, we usually come to understand that this part is a protector who is doing its best to protect a particular exile. Once we are clear on how and why it has been doing this, we acknowledge and thank this protector for the job it has been doing.
As the protector feels seen, appreciated and acknowledged, it will usually soften and relax and allow us to connect with the exile it has been protecting.
We then invite the exile forward. It will usually show up as an infant or a young child of a certain age. We ask it to tell us why it’s in distress. What was it that happened at that age that was so overwhelmingly painful?
As it tells us what happened, we encourage it to let us know all the feelings it holds about that situation. We let the exile know that we hear them all. This step will usually help the exile relax a great deal as it feels seen and supported.
Then we go to the final step, which is to help the exile let go of the painful feelings that it carries. This is done in a number of different ways, but almost always leads to a wonderful transformation of the exile. Instead of being burdened with pain, it transforms into the carefree, loving, joyful and beautiful child it once was. This is often a touching moment of healing as we experience and understand who we truly are.
When we return to the protector, it can see that the exile is no longer in distress, and that its job is no longer needed. At that point it will often let go of its protective but troubling role. Often its role will transform into one that is genuinely helpful, one where it can take care of us in a true, whole and harmonious way.
So let’s look at an example of this whole process.
Perhaps we notice that our heart feels shut down, unable to give or accept love. So we invite forward the part that is shutting us down, and it shows up as an image of a wall around our heart. Let’s call that part the Heart Protector.
When we check how we feel towards the Heart Protector, we notice that part of us (the Angry One) is angry at the Heart Protector, because it cuts us off from love.
But rather than going along with the rejecting agenda of the Angry One, we can let it know that it makes sense to us that it is angry. Of course it is angry at the Heart Protector for shutting down our heart! As it feels understood, almost magically it relaxes and is willing to step back.
As it does, we return to Self. We notice that we feel loving and curious towards the Heart Protector. This allows it to feel safe to come forward again and let us get to know it.
We discover that the Heart Protector arose at a time when we were quite young, and one of our parents really pulled back from us due to emotional difficulties of their own. We felt painfully rejected and unloved, and those difficult feelings lodged in our heart. We come to understand that the Heart Protector has been protecting us from the pain of an Unloved Exile by walling off the pain. We acknowledge and appreciate how the Heart Protector has been working so hard to keep us from pain. As we do that it relaxes and is willing to step back and let us get to know the Unloved Exile.
As Self, we can then start healing this Unloved Exile. We ask it share all its painful feelings of hurt, grief and fear, and we let it know that we hear and understand. Once all the feelings have been witnessed, the emotional burden may spontaneously dissolve, but if it doesn’t, we find a way that will allow it to be lifted.
The Unloved Exile then transforms into the natural, happy, playful and loveable child it once was.
Now that this exile is no longer in pain, we no longer need to be protected from it, and the Heart Protector sees that it can completely let go. The wall dissolves, and the protector transforms into true protection for our heart, a true protector who can offer true help when needed. It may decide to take on the new role of quietly checking out others to help us determine whether or not it is actually wise to be openhearted with a particular person. We can then be truly open hearted when we are with people who are safe, or have appropriate heart boundaries when we are not. But what is important is that we now have a choice, rather than always having that wall whether we want it or not, or whether or not it’s useful.
Once the Heart Protector has transformed into a true helper, there’s no longer any need to be angry with it, and we find that the Angry part has disappeared completely.
Thus the healing of the exile is also the ultimate healing of all the protectors associated with it.
And as the exiles heal, the Self gains access to their original qualities of spontaneity, love, joy and curiosity. As our protectors transform, the Self can take on their intelligence, wisdom and true help.
The ultimate goal of IFS is actually twofold—to heal and relax all our parts, and to strengthen our Self. The Self can then become the leader of our soul, and the wise presence that we truly are.